empty wall.

A week was filled with so much sorrow

Happiness is all I wanted to borrow.

I was buried so deep I could hardly see anyone.

out of the blue, it was all done.

Pain filled my stomach because I was sucker punched

trying to grasp for air,

unable to breathe 

I fought until tears filled with despair. 

recovery is something that only the strong can obtain

there is not a soul that I can blame,

it was me that brought this on

it was me that erased the lyrics from the once happy song.

A friend once said, 

'There is only so much that one can get hit with"

I have been hit once, twice, thrice

and I still stand undead

Coffee and cigs are what I really want

long convos and long nights  

done with the game, done with the hunt

not giving up the good fight.

aching, shaking, pale hands

slowing beat of my heart

buying myself a rainbow smile

moving on until we get a second start.

As I shoot tequila with a lime,
he says, Maybe we can go sometime,
A three week curse keeps me on edge,
Up on my rooftop, walking the ledge.
Maybe we could I reply,
Breathing in deeply the night's sky.

Rewind all she did
Fast Forward to what she said
Stop when I fall fast
And pick up the pieces that make it last.

*****************************
I really just want to quit.
Nothing is making sense
Nothing seems to fit.

I want to finally open my lungs and scream
I want to feel excited and alive
I want to share in someone's dream.

I want to be turned upside down
I want my world to be rocked
Spontaneously living in another town.

I want to leave a part of me behind
Searching for something that may not ever be found.
Confident in my own mind.

*************************

As I pump my arms during a run,
I yearn to go farther.
faster.

As I open up a blank page,
I need to type thoughtful.
Inspiring.

As I stand in front of a bar,
I need to order a shot.
Tequilla.

As I think about the future,
I need to let it happen,
naturally.

I have adrenaline.
I have a momentum that keeps my head above the water.
I do not drown.

When all is said and done,
I know that I did not surrender,
I did not get brought down.
I fought against those that pushed me,
I am capable of success and I am capable of having my own,
future.

May 2009.
Here we all come.

(thats what she said) ;)

Dates to Ponder

Cabo San Lucas countdown: 1 week 4 days. One week until I am running on a beach and soaking up the sun in the best resort there...of course work will make me a slave from 1-7 pm..but I can deal.

Ryan and Lauren visit January 28th weekend... and stay with me in my closet. I would offer Whit's room, but with my coat and her in there, not so much room :)

Minneapolis..my birthday weekend. Seeing Stephen, bridesmaid dress shopping...

Feb 14th...my birthday celebration..a tad late.

March 3...New Orleans :) one week of ghosts, school touring, apartment searching, hurricane drinking, beignet eating, bookstore browsing fun...oh and replacing my taror cards...they were in an accident.

2 months til we are adults and free.........

tattoo tattoo tattoo I want you....(new song...likey?)

And So this is Christmas...

New Years approaches, and I am hoping that this year is just as good as last, minus the few hiccups it had. I want so much to go out and have fun on New Years Eve. I want the new year, to be healthy, happy, fun, and exciting. It is my last semester as a student and I so much want to live it up by going out more and not being serious. For the new year, I am promising myself that I won't let anyone get to me, I won't let sorority get to me, I will have fun with it all, because its the LAST time as a student....

It is sad really. I remember walking into my Simpson dorm room...it was bare and scary..this was my next step. I obvi took the bottom bunk...I was first :) Then unpacked my childhood into a place where I was now an adult. That year launched me into a spiraling cyclone of fun and outlandish behavior. I want my last semester to just as fun. I want to have Wings night, and Funk weekends, and go to bars in Wrigley and not worry about growing up...because we don't have much longer. We soon cannot be doing these things like we can now...so I want to live it up and live to the fullest...while not letting anyone's attitude, mood or rotten outlook get to me...it won't have time to reach me because I will be having too much fun to think about anything but being happy :)

I hope everyone can just let go this year, breath in, and jump in...and actually mean it. Not say they will do things, and then flake or back out. Everyone has a lot on their minds but really..nothing is as stressful as one makes it...and no one has that much homework they can't go out...drinks or no drinks involved. Being home has been reviving. I feel more alive. Before I came home I felt alone and like a stranger in my own home, for a few weeks. I want to return and not feel like that anymore. I won't feel like that again. I won't let anything make me feel anything but happy.

New Years with Tim, Tony, Amy, and their friends from home..maybs I know them...either way....5 hours drinks? i can say right now...shitshow shitshow shitshow times.

caught.

I caught myself,
I caught myself from falling into what you want me to be
I can longer be what you want
when I hardly know who I am

I push and pull in different directions
My head spins
My heart never wins

I am going down a one way street
falling to my feet
not in defeat.

I caught myself
I caught myself from believing I was what I wanted to be
I will no longer be what you want
because I will just be me.

wild & free,
♥ lora lee ♥